No One's Fault
by iliketocolor
Summary: Basically, my thoughts on what could have happened after Ryder's confession in 'Lights Out'. Trigger Warning for suicide. In the aftermath of telling his secret, Ryder doesn't find the support and comfort he needs and finds his own way out. Now the glee club must deal with losing one of their own.
1. Chapter 1

Ryder walked out of the choir room never wanting to walk back in. He was happy that the power was out and no one would be able to see his face. Sitting with the glee club every day, he'd never imagined that they would react the way they did. It took all the courage he had just to sit there and admit his darkest secret, and now it was out and no one understood how broken he was inside. They all thought he was lucky. He wanted to cry at the thought. Just reliving the memory for them made his skin crawl. He couldn't believe he thought they were his friends and that they would understand him. Now everyone in school would know by tomorrow.

Ryder didn't even bother grabbing anything from his locker; he wasn't going to do any homework tonight. He just wanted to go home and cry.

He sat quietly in the front of the bus where no one would bother him for the ride home. Luckily he was the third stop so he wasn't waiting long to get home. He walked slowly, glad that his parents were at work until 8 that night.

Not even turning on any lights in the house, Ryder went to his room and lay on his bed. His phone rang a couple times, but he ignored it. He didn't feel like talking to anyone ever again. He looked around his bedroom and felt a shiver go down his spine as his eyes settled on the door to his bathroom. He'd been coping over the years with what happened to him. It had only taken him a year after she molested him for him to be comfortable in his bathroom again. But even now, he always spent as little time in there as possible, taking quick showers and using other bathrooms in the house when he could. He turned over in his bed and closed his eyes, letting himself cry. He could feel her touch on him again, remembering how his body reacted in strange ways that his younger self hadn't understood.

He thought about what the glee kids had said. He knew that guys fantasized about his very situation and he wondered why he couldn't see it the way they did. He hated himself for being such a girl about it.

At some point during his crying, Ryder fell asleep. He was emotionally exhausted and sleep overtook him.

He woke up in a cold sweat three hours later. He'd been locked in his nightmare, reliving that horrid shower over and over again, only this time there were voices outside the bathroom, cheering him on as he cried his way through her touches.

Getting out of bed, Ryder went to the bathroom and started the shower, he felt disgusting and he just wanted the heat of the water to cleanse him. Stripping down and putting his phone on the counter, he stared at himself in the mirror. He looked normal. No one would be able to tell that he felt dead inside. He didn't know what the point to his life was anymore. For so long, all his energy had been put towards hiding his secrets. All he'd ever done with his life was to get through it and now he didn't feel he had a purpose.

All his senses seemed to fade as he found himself taking his razor out of the cabinet. He couldn't register the sound of the water running or the heat of the moisture as it burned into his skin. He didn't realize he had begun to cry again as he stood under the water with his razor in his right hand. He didn't feel the cut on his finger as he broke the blade free from its plastic head.

If someone had asked him what he was thinking when he slit his forearm from wrist to elbow, he'd have told them he wasn't thinking anything. For once, his thoughts weren't racing and his mind was blank. He let out a sob of pain as the depth of his cuts finally registered.

Feeling dizzy, he sat down in the tub and let the water run over him, washing his blood down the drain. He heard his phone ring but closed his eyes instead of answering it, letting a dreamless sleep overtake him.


	2. Chapter 2

He had been dead for an hour before his parents got home from work and heard the shower running and his phone ringing in the bathroom for 10 minutes straight. They knew Ryder always took short showers, and he always answered his phone.

His mother knocked on the door, but with no answer, she found the door unlocked. She slowly opened it, announcing her presence to her son as she walked in. "Ryder… it's mom. Are you alright?"

It was then that she noticed stray drips of blood on the floor next to the tub. She began to cry as she ripped the curtain to the side and saw Ryder's pale, nearly bloodless body lying under the stream of, now cold, water. She screamed and sobbed and her body shook with fear and devastation. Her husband ran in and upon seeing his wife holding the body of the young man they both loved so much, called 911.

The next day at McKinley High School, Principal Figgins gathered all the teachers and staff in the teacher's lounge before classes started and told them of Ryder's suicide. Will Schuester, along with many others who knew Ryder, began to cry quietly. After the teachers dispersed, Will asked Figgins if he could gather the glee kids in the choir room for first period so they could all be together when they heard the news. With the OK from Figgins, Will sent out the mass text to the New Directions and went to the choir room to collect himself.

After the first period bell, Figgins turned off his back vibrator so they could use power to turn on the PA system while he made an announcement that he wished he'd never had to make.

"Dear students and faculty. It is with deep sorrow that I must inform you that sophomore Ryder Lynn has passed away in his home yesterday evening… This tragedy affects all of us and I urge all students to take advantage of the counselors and staff that are on hand to help you though this difficult event."

The New Directions had been sitting in the choir room for five minutes before the announcement, just wondering what was going on. Everyone was there except Ryder, but Mr. Schue had closed the doors after the rest of them were there. He then sat in the middle of the room, facing his students and fiddling with the flashlight he held in his hand.

"Mr. Schue," Jake started firmly, "Don't get me wrong, it's not like I wanted to go to first period today, but why are we having a silent glee meeting right now?"

Mr. Schue looked up at his kids and was about to say something when they were interrupted with Figgin's announcement.

Once the PA system clicked off, the choir room's silence took on an entirely different weight. No one spoke as they all began processing the information differently.

It was Marley who broke the silence and spoke through her tears. "That… that can't be true… Mr. Schue, what happened?"

His voice cracked, but Will began to tell the story he wished was never written. "Ryder… took his own life last night…"

There were several gasps and more tears as more of the students began to cry.

"It's our fault isn't it Mr. Schue?" Sam asked quietly, wiping tears from his cheeks.

"It's no one's fault Sam…" Will reassured. "I want all of you to understand that-"

Kitty was angry as she interrupted the teacher. "No, it's definitely our fault... We did this to him. All he wanted was support and understanding and none of you offered it. You all just judged him and-"

"And what about you Kitty!" Artie countered. "You didn't say anything to him at all either."

"I called him all night!" Kitty rose to her feet, nearly shouting. "I was calling him to tell him I understood and I could relate. I didn't say anything during rehearsal because I saw how all of you reacted and didn't feel safe enough to tell him then…" she was visibly shaking and crying as she continued. "But…he… he never answered me. I knew… I _knew_ something was wrong with him when he left here… he just…never answered."

Kitty sat back down, not knowing what else to do. Tina wrapped the younger girl in a hug as they both cried.

The silence fell in the room again and no one knew what to say. Will knew he had to do something, but he had no idea what he was supposed to do now.

"Did… did he leave a note?" Artie asked, only lifting his head for a moment.

Will shook his head as Kitty spoke up again.

"When did he do it Mr. Schue? When did they find him?"

"We were told his mother found him in the shower around 8:15 last night. He'd… slit his wrists." Will covered his mouth with his hand and watched his students. He desperately wished he'd done something more for Ryder yesterday after his admission to the group.

"I can't do this Mr. Schue," Jake said forcefully as he stood up and began to walk to the door.

"Jake, where are you going? You can't-" Marley tried to grab his hand as he got up, but he was already out of her reach.

"No, I can't be here. You all made me get to know him, your stupid feuding assignment to make us be friends… and I didn't even know this… I couldn't help him… I just lost the best friend I… _ever_ had… so don't tell me I can't walk out on this."

Jake left the choir room, happy that the halls were empty, letting himself cry as he walked out of school and called his brother to pick him up.

"Jake? Dude… why are you calling me during-" Puck stopped talking as he heard Jake crying on the other end. "Wait, what's wrong?"

"I… I need you to come pick me up." Jake said as he reached the parking lot.

"What happened?" Puck was panicking slightly, ever since the school shooting at McKinley Puck was always worried about his friends that were still there.

"I just… I can't be here. Can we talk when you get here?"

"I can be there in 10 minutes. But are you hurt? Are you alright?" Puck quickly left the dorm room and ran to his car as he talked to Jake.

"I'm fine… Just get here."

Jake sat on the sidewalk outside the school with his head between his knees for 10 minutes. His phone kept vibrating with texts from everyone in glee, but he didn't even look at what they said. Finally Puck drove up to the sidewalk and stopped abruptly as he saw his little brother looking so fragile and weak on the sidewalk.

As soon as the car came to a stop, Jake got up and climbed into the car, not saying anything until he couldn't see McKinley behind them anymore.

"So spill." Puck said as he concentrated on the road. "Normally I completely support ditching school, but what's wrong?"

"Ryder's dead." Jake didn't have the energy to put any emotion behind the words. He stared out the window, letting his tears fall freely.

"I… dude, I'm so sorry…" It was lame, Puck knew, but Puck had no idea what to say. He'd met Ryder a couple times and liked the kid, he knew he was Jake's best friend and Puck could only imagine what it'd be like if he lost Finn.

After a couple minutes of driving around, Puck didn't know where he was supposed to go with Jake. "What did you want to do now?"

"I don't know…" Jake hadn't really thought about what he was doing or where he wanted to go. He just knew he couldn't be in that school for the rest of the day. "Home I guess…"

"Is your mom home?" Puck asked, trying not to act like the protective older brother.

"Nah, she's working."

"Then come back with me to the dorm. We can get drunk, eat pizza, and watch crappy daytime television." Puck suggested, already deciding that's what they would do.

"I'd rather sit at home…" Jake didn't know if that's actually what he wanted but it sounded like what he needed to do.

"Nope, you don't need to be alone right now and I don't have anything to do today, so this is what we're doing now."

The two brothers drove back to the dorms and Jake spent his day with Puck.

* * *

After Jake left the room, there was more silence. It was true what he had said. He and Ryder had been enemies before glee club made them friends and now Jake was going to be a mess. Will was pretty sure they were all going to be a mess.

His mind was racing and the feeling of déjà vu overwhelmed him as he spoke softly to the glee students. "I need you all to promise me… _promise each other_… none of you will use suicide as an option."

"Our promise from last year still stands Mr. Schue," Artie said calmly.

"I know… I know some of you were here for Karofsky's attempt, but I need to hear it again and I need the new guys to promise it too. I… I can't believe that Ryder's gone…" Will's voice trailed off. He began to wonder if he'd have to have this talk with his students every year.

One by one, they each promised they wouldn't follow Ryder's example.

The bell rang for second period and everyone slowly stood up and went through the rest of the day, numb and shattered. Kitty was the only one who stayed behind.

"Kitty," Will's voice was gentle but worried. "Talk to me, what's up?"

"Mr. Schue, I just… I… I wanted to be there for him… I should have said something to him before we all left yesterday… he needed a friend and I didn't speak up soon enough."

"You tried Kitty. You did everything you could, but what happened was up to Ryder. He made his final decisions to not pick up the phone."

"I know that, I guess, it's just… I… he'd already been through so much… and now he's gone."

"Kitty I think you should talk to one of the counselors. Not only about this, but the other… thing you admitted today."

"I don't know… I… maybe… can I just stay here for a bit?" Kitty wasn't ready to go out into the halls and put on her brave bitch face. She felt like a scared child, not like the confident bitch she'd worked so hard to be.

"Of course," Will assured as he stood up from his chair. "Take all the time you need. I'll be in my office. I have a class third period though, so I'll have to be in the history classroom."

Kitty nodded and watched her teacher leave. She was left alone in the dark choir room with only a lantern sitting on the piano. She knew she needed some help. She hadn't quite dealt with her own molestation; she had just packed up and changed schools. But now the only boy who she could have connected with was gone.

Half way through second period, when the halls were clear, Kitty walked to the counselor's office, finally ready to talk about the things she'd kept bottled up inside.

* * *

The funeral the next week was beautiful. Ryder's parents paid someone else to make all the arrangements but they spent their time telling family and friends and trying to figure out what had happened to their only child. It wasn't until after the funeral that Jake had worked up the nerve to talk to them.

Jake had met Ryder's parents once. They were nice people and he knew they would have helped their son if he'd only told them what happened. Jake approached Mr. and Mrs. Lynn, his eyes red and puffy from crying.

"Jake? Isn't it?" Mr. Lynn asked, shaking the boy's hand.

"Yeah… we met a couple months ago." Jake replied, giving a sad smile.

"I remember…" Mrs. Lynn said softly. "Good to see you again… Ryder mentioned you a lot… said you turned out to be a better friend than he thought you'd be in the beginning."

"Oh… Um… thanks. Yeah… he was an awesome friend too… the best one I've had…" Jake was getting choked up but he didn't feel he could cry any more than he already had.

"Jake… do you… do you know why he would… do this?" Mrs. Lynn asked, staring down at her son's grave.

Jake was unsure of what to tell them, but they deserved to know at least what Jake knew. "Um… he… the day he… died… In glee, he'd shared a secret with all of us… He said that when he was 11… one of his babysitters… molested him in the shower…"

Mrs. Lynn gasped and began to cry but Jake continued.

"He says he'd kind of been messed up because of it ever since… but none of us knew how to help him… Our friend… Kitty, she said she kept trying to call him that night afterwards but he never answered. That's all we know…"

"Did… did he say what her name was?" Mr. Lynn asked slowly.

Jake shook his head. "No… he only said she'd been locked up already for doing it to someone else."

"Jake… Th- Thank you for telling us." Mrs. Lynn stuttered through her sobs.

* * *

The next week, the New Directions lost Regionals. None of them could find it in themselves to actually care that they lost though. Will had known they would most likely lose. Not only did they not have Ryder, but they didn't have him because he was dead and no one in the group was handling it well. The only one who seemed to be dealing with it at all was Kitty because she was in therapy twice a week now.

Sitting in the choir room after their regionals loss, Blaine could see the group needed something to do now. Things were only going to get worse now that practicing wasn't going to be something to distract everyone.

"Mr. Schue, we can't keep going like this."

Everyone looked over at Blaine and was slightly confused.

"We need to do something… for Ryder. Like a concert or something…"

"Like a benefit concert?" Marley chimed in softly.

"Yeah," Blaine confirmed, the plan coming together in his head as he spoke. "Like we put on a concert with songs that Ryder would have liked or that symbolize hope and recovery for people who feel how Ryder felt that night…"

"We could raise money for suicide prevention or something." Unique added.

Will stared at his students, glad they were participating in life again instead of sitting in the haze they'd been in for two weeks.

"That sounds amazing guys. I think that would be absolutely perfect. Is that something we all want?" Will encouraged.

With nods coming from everyone in the group, they resolved to spend their glee rehearsals next week planning the Ryder Lynn Memorial Concert.


	3. Chapter 3

Three weeks after losing Regionals and a month after losing Ryder, the McKinley High School New Directions held the first annual Ryder Lynn Memorial Concert. The entire basketball and football teams showed up as well as teachers, staff, and parents; anyone who'd ever met Ryder was in attendance. Mr. and Mrs. Lynn were in the front row.

It was a somber but wonderful night of songs mixed with breaks for some of Ryder's best friends to come up and tell stories of Ryder.

Opening the show, the group sang 'Hold On' by Good Charlotte, leaving Mr. Schue on stage afterwards.

"Thank you everyone for coming… All of us here knew Ryder and he affected our lives in some way or another. Ryder was part of this glee club and his friends had this idea to honor his memory and his talent by putting this concert together. This is as much for him as it is for all of us. All the donations tonight go towards suicide prevention. I hope all of you enjoy the night."

Blaine walked out on stage after Mr. Schue and sang 'How to Save a Life' by The Fray. When he had finished, a couple guys from the football team came up and told everyone how fun it was to have Ryder on the team.

"He wasn't the greatest player, but his end zone dances always made us want to try harder, just to see what new moves he'd come up with."

Marley sang next. Her rendition of 'The Broken Ones' by Dia Frampton was haunting and she cried as she then told everyone how sweet and supportive Ryder had always been to her.

Sam and Artie then sang 'Jumper' by Third Eye Blind with some of the basketball team members coming up afterwards and talked about how Ryder had always made practices easy-going and nothing could bring him down.

Next, Unique sang 'Haunted' by Kelly Clarkson. At the end of the song, she told everyone how Ryder had worked to understand a little bit more about Unique and even though Ryder didn't completely know how to deal with Unique's situation, he eventually came around and was really sweet.

Tina and Britney were next, singing 'Everything's Not Lost' by Coldplay. Ryder's parents came up after the song and even though Mrs. Lynn started speaking, Mr. Lynn had to take over when his wife began to cry.

"We love Ryder more than anything… but we didn't know he was keeping a lot of things bottled up. Ryder was… so good… at being happy. Nothing ever brought him down and he always worked so hard. He struggled his entire life with dyslexia and we didn't even know it until this year. We will miss him for the rest of our lives and we only wish he could have known how many people really cared about him. It's obvious with all of you here tonight that our son was deeply loved and we are so grateful to the glee club for doing this for our son and to all of you for attending the event. We can only hope that children stop…" At this point Mrs. Lynn couldn't continue to talk through her tears.

"We can only hope that everyone knows there is help and support out there." Mr. Lynn finished.

Will came on stage and hugged them both before walking with them back to their seats as Kitty took the stage, singing 'Keep Breathing' by Ingrid Michaelson. Her voice was moving and beautiful as put all her being into the song. When she was finished, she told everyone how much she'd wished she could have had the chance to connect with Ryder.

"I spent so much time in glee club never trying to make friends with anyone. But I liked Ryder. He seemed so down to earth and… then… by the time I reached out… it was too late."

When Kitty finished speaking, Jake was the one to end the show. He took the microphone from Kitty and looked out at the crowd. "This… this song was the last one Ryder sang in glee club. I don't think I'll be able to sing it as well as he did."

He sat in the middle of the stage surrounded by candles and sang 'Everybody Hurts' by REM, the last song anyone heard Ryder sing. Jake didn't care that tears began to fall as he sang in front of an entire auditorium of people. In their planning last week, it was Jake's idea to include the song, but it was Mr. Schue who suggested that Jake be the one to sing it.

"Ryder…" Jake took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a minute. "Ryder was the best friend I've ever had." He opened his eyes and lost himself in memories. "It's weird to say that, 'cause we hated each other at the beginning of the year. We were always at each other's throats, but once we stopped fighting over a girl and helped each other out… everything was good."

Jake paused, knowing he was the last one to speak. Clearing his throat, Jake continued. "I miss him… every day… and… it's hard, ya know… not to just… follow him out… But I don't think that he'd want that… for anyone… even for people he didn't like… He would have helped anyone who felt the way felt that night. I like to think that he was with us over the past couple weeks as we planned this concert. He helped us all pick our songs and find the right people to tell his stories." Jake wiped his tears on his sleeve and Mr. Schue could see that Jake needed this to end. The teacher walked on stage and hugged Jake before waving his hand to get all the glee kids on stage.

"We want to thank all of you for coming and remembering Ryder. He was an amazing young man and we will miss him and remember him for years to come."

Ryder Lynn walked out of the choir room and never walked back in. No one ever forgot.

* * *

**A/N: I don't care if it's not as good. I am running out of characters to kill off and I really had the need to write a suicide. So here we are. I guess it ended up being more of the effect of his suicide, but whatever. I wrote this in a couple hours. Sorry it's not that good. I seriously need to find another show that is so easy to write for.**

**Ok, so I kind of care... what do you guys think. Please review if you have the time.**


End file.
